Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
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Finally, a door that understands me
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor