Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
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Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Please do it!
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.