Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
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You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?