Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
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Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.