@samiru27

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

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@bridger_w

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

@Manda_like_wine

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

@AnOrangeSNES

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

@david8hughes

[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns

@rebrafsim

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

@_Kim_Jongun

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

@LittleMissZesty

When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?

@thatcarlygirl

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

@LuvPug

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed