If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
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7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed