Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
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Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.