Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
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6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.