[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
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Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary