[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
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I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.