January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
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I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt