January 1st: anything is possible
January 2nd: but not today
You Might Also Like
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course