January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track: