January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
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Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
happy valentine’s day to me
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.