@SirJeremyLondon

January has been Januweary

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@dumbbeezie

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

@drunkNnaughty

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

@Mr_goose007

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

@JillianKarger

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

@Breadery

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

@jenlaw_11

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

@FunnyBison

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

@Home_Halfway

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg