Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
January has been Januweary
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if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six