@SirJeremyLondon
@dumbbeezie If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
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@dumbbeezie 
@drunkNnaughty I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
@Mr_goose007 The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
@JillianKarger [watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
@aimlessamers Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
@Breadery Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
@steventobiasz The only good comments section online is on recipes
@jenlaw_11 Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
@FunnyBison hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
@Home_Halfway “I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg