*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
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Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
*pronounces UPS like yoops
accurate
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course