[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
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Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.