Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
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Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?