Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
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Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin