Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
My daily affirmation
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Why am I like this?
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it