Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
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Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.