Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
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Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…