Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

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I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.


ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head


[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”


If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.


Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles


Alright ok fine


It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible


Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.


Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’