Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
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A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time