@yung__spider

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

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@lmwortho

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

@tarashoe

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head

@TheRolo

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

@SwedishCanary

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

@dogfather

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

@PaperWash

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

@BrokenPalabras

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

@LorieGZ

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’