Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
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On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.