[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
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Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?