Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
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What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.