Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
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Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Seductively sings in Klingon.