(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
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Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
2 stinky teenagers.
Send wine and bail money.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.