Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
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I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
He’s cranky this morning
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
how was your vacation
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION