Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

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(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.


Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.


When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.


Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.


Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.


[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”


I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.


[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean


I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.


Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.