Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
You Might Also Like
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
When you’ve simply given up.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”