[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
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Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.