JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
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Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
TEETH IS INNOCENT
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers