Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
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Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I’m not lazy
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
one last job
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie