Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
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I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos