Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
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My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it