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I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I don’t make the rules sorry
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.