@ParkerMolloy

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

You Might Also Like

@javroar

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

@SkullfuckT

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

@BuckyIsotope

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

@Fickle_Filly

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

@longwall26

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

@evilnshit

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

@IKnowImNotCool

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

@aka_fatman

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.