Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

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*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”


Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.


[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET


[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.


My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.


If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.


DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs


cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D



cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question


DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot