@ParkerMolloy

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

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@Bmittone

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

@Donna_McCoy

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

@HTownHarold

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

@ddsmidt

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

@OllyiConic

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

@Reverend_Scott

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

@seamussaid

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

@ericsshadow

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

@prasdelo

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.