jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
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I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Going feral. Y’all need anything?