Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
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My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
me doing my best
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!