Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
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I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Breaking news:
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
it’s finally my moment to shine