Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
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My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary