Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
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[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
🤣🤣🤣
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Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
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Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
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When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Genius.
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[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?