Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
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When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Now this is how you LinkedIn
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
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People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.