Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
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that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Free him
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Great Canadian literature.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.