Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
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Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”