“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
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I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Just ordered me some pizza!
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
*launders Kohls cash*
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.