Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
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It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
o shit
life finds a way
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.