Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
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Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid