Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
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Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.