[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
You Might Also Like
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
“you recording!?”
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.