Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
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Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in