@nameshiv one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
@Baileymoon15 jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
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@nameshiv 
@eminmien Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
@david8hughes Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
@KalvinMacleod ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
@ValeeGrrl What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
@notfaizzy I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
@punmagnate If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
@joelu72 [writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
@JennyJohnsonHi5 I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
@ruslg1 My support group can outdrink your support group.