jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

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one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name


Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”


Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit


ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*


What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop


I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.


If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby


[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy


I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.


My support group can outdrink your support group.