jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
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Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Breaking news:
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.