@Baileymoon15

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

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@nameshiv

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

@eminmien

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

@david8hughes

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

@KalvinMacleod

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

@ValeeGrrl

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

@notfaizzy

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

@punmagnate

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

@joelu72

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

@ruslg1

My support group can outdrink your support group.