JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
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My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I camp so other people don’t have to.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
This is a bad sign
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”