Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
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Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.